Who Is In Control?

I like to be in control. It makes me feel safe when I am calling the shots for I will do only what is good for me. Right? Well maybe not. I do seem to have a problem saying “no” to chocolate or ice cream. As a result I am carrying a few extra pounds and my triglycerides are a bit high. My circulatory system is being compromised because of my insisting on control of my eating. In addition, eating as I please may affect how well my mind functions because of damage caused by strokes caused by high blood pressure.

Okay. Okay. So I know I do not always behave myself when I am in control. Caring for my invalid mother-in-law has caused me to rethink some of my eating and exercise habits. This is the third night I have spent in the hospital with her. Even though I know my current behaviors can have an effect on my future functioning, it seems so far off. Surely I will have at least twenty more years of healthy living. Or maybe not.

I had my annual mammogram Thursday and received a call which said they had found something suspicious. They wanted a repeat mammogram using a more sophisticated machine. My first thought was that I cannot have cancer now. Ray’s mom is living with us and requires twenty-four hour care. My mom depends on me for transportation, running a myriad of errands, and companionship. My great-niece spends her after school time at our house. I cannot be seriously sick. Or can I?

Those were the thoughts which run through my head. I reassured Ray that this is precautionary and that I did not have a diagnosis. But the fear of being out of control of my body was real. Both of us prayed. Ray prayed that it was a malfunction of the equipment or an inaccurate reading of the image. I prayed that God cure me and just remove the growth. I contacted a trusted friend who is a breast cancer survivor and asked her to pray that the images today would show no disease.

“In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.” Ephesians 3:12 NIV

Today they took four images of the area where the suspected growth was located. NOTHING. I have no way of knowing if God answered Ray’s prayer or mine. Or maybe God chose to answer the prayers of my friend. The result is the same. I do not have the dreaded disease. What I do know is that it is an answer to fervent prayer.

Every since the call Friday telling me I needed to have another more definitive mammogram, I have been hearing from God that he is in control, not me. God wants me to rest in his peace and follow his lead. I am to stop barging ahead as if I am indispensable and indestructible. Those are qualities of God, not me. This scare was a notice from God that I need to change my mindset.

“Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” James 4:7-8 NIV

So, I must give up my imperfect control and willingly give God total control of my life.

Lord, show me when I start to barge ahead of you. Make me submissive to you at all times in every situation.